December 10, 2007

Folks, I know what you’re thinking. How could I have found the worst driver in the 300,000-strong Greenville metro area? Simple. I nearly hit him/her this morning. Sir/Ma’am, if you somehow find this, do the following:

1. Have someone drive you to your nearest SC DOT office (for you, it’s Woodruff Rd.).
2. Turn in your driver’s license.
3. Ask them to note your file that you may not obtain another driver’s license without a notarized doctor’s evaluation stating your eyes work.

So here’s the story:

I’m driving down North Street after getting breakfast at McDonald’s. This is around 6:30a this morning (Monday). GWD (Greenville’s Worst Driver, a “he,” I think, for reasons which should become clear) lives at one of the high-rent apartment complexes on the left side of the street before you hit Pelham Rd. and drives a red Miata or RX-6 or something. Anywho, he pulls out of his apartment complex to go the same direction I’m going (south). To do this he has to cross two lanes of north-bound traffic and a median before he hits the two southbound lanes. He does this at about 10mph. Meanwhile I’m in the right lane doing about 45, standard cruising speed along that road. GWD pulls just ahead of me into the left lane momentarily, at which point he becomes a non-factor as far as I’m concerned. That is, until he swerves right in front of me, still doing less than 15mph.

Why he did this I’m not sure. I suspect it’s because Greenville County fails to teach physics properly in high school. See, according to Newtonian physics, no two objects can occupy the same physical space at the same instant in time. I learned this in physics class; I don’t think I can say that for GWD, because he apparently thought it could work to have my car, doing three times his speed, share the same physical space as his puddle jumper.

I did what any self-respecting “arrogant” and “impatient” Northern driver would - slam on the brakes and horn simultaneously. (We’re pretty good at this…just drive in any major city in the Northeast and you’ll see/hear it.) Now at this point, what would you have done? One of my hands was on the gearstick, so swerving on wet roads at that speed with only one hand was out of the question. Perhaps if you were in GWD’s car, you might have jumped back into the left lane, or maybe you would have stomped on the gas pedal and put that famed Miata turbocharger to work. And in the unlikely event that you were having car troubles, perhaps you would have put on your four-ways to indicate you were having problems. In any case, I’m sure you would not have COME TO A COMPLETE STOP IN FRONT OF ME as this upstanding citizen did, then proceed to ROLL BACKWARDS SEVERAL FEET AND NEARLY ROLL INTO ME.

One of the many advantages to owning a stick shift is the ability to “chirp” tires when pulling out. (While possible with an automatic transmission, it’s far more difficult to do.) Some people do it accidentally, but when done intentionally (and in concert with an annoyed gesture, such as throwing one’s hands up on the air as if to say, “What in the world??”) it can be used to great effect. This was one of those times. I chirped in his face and tore around him and gave said gesture, and when I looked in my mirror, he was just starting to accelerate again, with a line of traffic forming behind him - traffic which, no doubt, did not expect to come over the hill and see a car stopped in the road with no blinkers or any other indication as to why it was stopped.

Mr. Miata, congratulations. You are officially the lousiest driver in the entire city, possibly the state, and maybe, just maybe, the country. Please get off the road, for your sake and the sake of anyone else who may encounter you on the streets of life.