August 11, 2007

Ever since the dawn of civilization, man has uniquely triumphed over nature, subjecting it to the tools of his own creation to make it do what he wishes. One modern miracle stands as a testament to man’s unrelenting pursuit of mastery over nature: Spam (be sure to turn your speakers on before clicking).

This, readers, is not that story.

This is, however, the story of one man’s triumph over the most devilish natural object in nature: the broken light bulb. You see, light bulbs are normally meek and quiet creatures that live a simple existence - you flip a switch, and in a case of humanity’s mastery of nature, it shines light down (or up). When a light bulb dies, it is gently removed and buried in a landfill. Some light bulbs, however, do not die easily. These are the bulbs that will sacrifice their wholeness in order to stay alive in a fixture for as long as possible. While rare, these cases are extremely annoying, often causing mental anguish and suffering among those who encounter them. I recently was plagued by one such case. This, reader, is my story.

It all started back in May. I had recently moved into my apartment and was finally getting settled in when one of these critters popped in an overhead track lighting fixture. The bulb was larger than most, but didn’t look like it would cause a problem. That is, until I tried to remove it and give it a proper burial. Instead of going quietly, this dastardly bulb disintegrated at its base, leaving its essence, a long thin glass tube, firmly stuck in the socket while its shell crumbled away in my hands and on my floor. So complete was the sacrifice that nothing remained in the fixture for me to grab hold of, save one sharp glass shard that ultimately crumbled under any pressure.

I tried several remedies - twisting this glass tube, bending the metal contact area in so I could grab it with needle-nosed pliers, even trying to expand my pliers’ prongs inside the remains of the bulb and turning - but nothing worked. Nothing, that is, until I found my car tool kit.

I understand this tool kit was my grandfather’s. In it were contained hundreds (dozens?) of different socket wrenches in a plethora of styles, ratchets, pliers, and a few tools that looked more like instruments of torture than house or car tools. I found what I needed, though: one (1) 3/8″ ratchet, one (1) 3/8″-1/4″ converter, and one (1) 11mm socket piece. I inserted this socket piece into the light fixture, wrapped it around the protruding glass stump, and turned gently. Moments later, this demon bulb fragment was spinning in my hand, until such time as it was completely unscrewed and sitting on my countertop. Hail, Craftsman tools! Hail, ratchets! Hail, modern equipment which subjugates the lowly bent of nature to its own design!